Monday, September 28, 2009

So. Hi. If anyone happens to read this, that is.

So basically the last few months have been a massive ball of stress and continue to be. I haven't had a good night's sleep since possibly...March-ish. I have no money, and pretty much feel as down on myself as a person can get without having serious death-in-the-family-kicked-out-of-house-diagnosed-with-life-threatening-disease issues. My ADD (which for most of my life has been low-key enough that I can pretend that I don't have it, or at least take advantage of it) has been cranked up to eleven and I've had to stop myself from opening a car door while the car is in operation because I am just that distracted. Luckily this does not happen while I am the one driving. And basically everything is just a massive ball of suck and not to be melodramatic but I'm just not equipped to deal with it. And a lot of it is is my fault, so I've been grinning and bearing it and pretending everything is hunky dory. Basically my brains been looking for things to feel guilty about and worry about and feel disgusted about. It's lovely, really.

But I joined a new gym. The gym is less than five minutes away, compared to the half hour away the old gym was. So if I'm only up to going and working out for twenty minutes, then I'll only have to devote thirty minutes, tops, and not having the feeling that I just wasted a bunch of gas. A good friend who has been instrumental in keeping my feet on the ground during the worst of the ADD episodes (even if she doesn't know it) is a member, as are most of my other friends who live around here. On the one hand, it is a good thing. Friends! We can all look like idiots together. On the other hand, it is a bad thing because I like to pretend my face doesn't turn bright red and sweaty at the mere mention of exercise, even during those days when I was in good shape. Oh well. That's on my list of things not to worry about.

But anyway, I've been working out there for the past few days. Three, to be exact. I'm not expecting miracles, but already I've improved. I've already added a mile to what I could do on the elliptical the first day. My shoulders and legs are a bit sore, but in a good way. And the best things: The past two nights since I started working out again I've slept straight through the night, without nightmares (and not fun zombie nightmares, either) and I've not been in a constant state of panic. Yeah, I'm still having trouble keeping my head in the game long enough to have a five minute conversation or pay attention to a tv show between commercial breaks. But, you know, baby steps. I'm getting there.

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