Monday, December 8, 2008

So, yeah. I screwed up. I'm horribly angry with myself and yet again I'm horribly angry with myself for being horribly angry with myself. I've been looking at pictures of myself and being horribly disgusted because I'm fat. There is none of the gleefulness or the gorgeousness that came from being confident with myself. I probably only weigh ten pounds more, which granted I'm very displeased about, but it isn't something to beat myself up over or the rather severe depression that's been kicking my ass lately.

I've got the winter blues, and we only had our first snow yesterday. It sucks.

I have to kick my own ass over this. It doesn't magically disappear and fix itself by stepping into a Weight Watcher's meeting. The problem is that I have not idea how to fix the brain funk that I'm in. I'm piss poor right now, to the point where I have to budget out where I drive, and unfortunately, going back and forth to the gym takes about an hour of driving time. I've been doing some stuff at home, but for some reason it is harder to work so hard to pound the emotional stuff out at home.The therapist lady's been booked up because of the holidays, and I haven't had a session for two weeks, and it scares me that I'm dependent enough on the sessions to get this messed up after two weeks. But I have an appointment this week.

Maybe it is the "official" winter blues. I really don't care. I don't think I'm severe enough to need to be on anti-depressants, as I haven't been this depressed since...well, last December. But the point is, I'm doing, short of the drugs, everything that should be helping me. The money issue's been kicking my ass all the sudden, though I'm as rich/poor as I've ever been.

So, yeah, sorry after disappearing for a few months just to return to have a freak out. Maybe this is what I need until I get my head on straight. Blogging is free, after the internet service and the laptop.

So, anyway. I've watched that show on the Style network, Ruby. I'll admit, the first time I saw it on the guide thingy, I thought it said Rudy and I was confused about why the women's style network kept showing the football movie that makes people cry. It's actually not as bad or unentertaining as I thought it would be. Ruby is an interesting person with a really cool personality. I'm not a diehard fan, but I'm also rooting for her and she kind of makes me happy beyond the fat girl happiness of "Well, at least I'm not as bad as she is."

Non sequiter alert: I've been doing some life changes. I'd been trying to get into grad school for library science. Even though I'm not a spiritual person by any means, I've noticed that life tends to work out in the end. So, I'd been getting the run around from a bunch of different sources. It was getting to be exhausting and I noticed that I was getting more and more lukewarm about the idea and getting signs that this might not be the best idea for me right now. The whole process is/was stressful. But in the meantime, because of my taking the gre and apparently doing well on it, I was getting contacted by various universities and collleges, after getting my scores, wanting me to go there. Now, mind, I didn't tell the GRE exam people to send my scores all haphazard. In fact, I strictly told them not to. But anyway, various colleges, including Columbia and McGill, calling me on the phone asking me to go convinced me that I'll probably turn out all right and I wouldn't neccesarily have to do a job that I was never sure about. So, now, the plan is to enter, in a round about way, the legal profession.

So, see, I haven't just been sitting around eating comfort food and feeling sorry for myself. I've been making Life Descisions. I've also been planning my bragging rights when the relatives start poking their noses in at Christmas time.

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